I am not one to make unfounded accusations, but I’m pretty sure my FedEx delivery guy is a criminal.
A couple weeks ago, I sent a package via UPS to my girlfriend in Atlanta. I shipped it on Friday via their Guaranteed Supersonic Overnight Guaranteed Saturday Delivery Express–Guaranteed! and waved goodbye to my package as it was loaded onto the brown UPS truck that is the bowel movement of our time, preparing to move slowly and painfully through the ass crack of the U.S. It arrived on Thursday. I shipped it to 555 NW 8th Street. It arrived at 602 W Peachtree. Not exactly where I dropped the turd, but possibly in the splash zone.
So as you can imagine, I wasn’t feeling very good about UPS when it came time to ship another package last Monday. I turned my attention to the rest of the exciting and wide-open field of national shipping, which, as far as I can tell, consists entirely of: FedEx and DHL (about which the sum total of my knowledge is: it’s the yellow one). There’s also the U.S. Postal Service, but I did not think my package would survive the trip through Iraq.
My experience with UPS turned me off to shipping services colored after human excrement, so I was left with FedEx. And I felt good about it. Forget UPS and its mega-conglomerate bureaucracy dating all the way back to 1907. FedEx was younger, spryer; it wasn’t even founded until 1913! I promptly dropped my package off at a nearby Kinko’s for shipment via FedEx Ground, which, according to the 24-hour clerk, guarantees a delivery, barring acts of God, of “sometime soon…maybe August?”
Thanks to the wonders of the Internet, I could immediately begin tracking the status of my package. 3:49 AM: Package data received. Six o’clock–BAM! Picked up from the store. Estimated arrival: July 6th. Here we go!
That’s it. There is no further status.
What happened to the package after that depends on who answers the phone when I call 1-800-GO-FEDEX, a cutesy, fun number that does not at all make me want to bash my head in every time I have to dial it. I quickly discovered the downside to the amazing power of the Internet: I have exactly the same information as customer service. You hope, when you call, that they have access to the magic Database of Redemption that holds the keys to your shipping dreams, but they do not. And what’s worse, they don’t seem to realize it.
ME: Yes, I’m calling to figure out what happened to a package I sent, and to see if it might still exist in a molecular form.
SUPPORT: No problem, sir! Let me just type in your account. Now I’ll hit Enter. While I’m waiting for that to load, I’m going to pick at a bunion I have. OK, your account screen appeared. Alright, it looks like we received the package information at 3:49AM and picked up the package at 6PM. Also, your name is Blake. Anything else I can help you with today?
Look, I’m a realist. I know that millions of FedEx customers, maybe hundreds of millions, lose their packages every day. But those are always lost in Kansas somewhere after a few uplifting days where you actually believe your package is making the wonderful journey to its destination, or in the case of UPS, a nearby Peachtree Street. I didn’t even get to pretend that my package was going to make it. What I’m left to ponder, as I sit here enroute to the Department of Departments (GO-FEDEX!) listening to Customer Support Representative Tanya blowdry her hair while I wait, is whether I just might be the first shipper ever to have his package lost immediately after it was picked up. I cannot see how anyone could lose theirs faster, unless FedEx snuck into their house and stole it first, and I don’t know who would do that. FedEx Home Burglary costs a fortune.
Tanya explained to me the complicated FedEx Pickup Procedure: the delivery man picks up the package from Kinko’s. He brings it to the San Jose terminal, where it is scanned immediately. And then he goes home to finish the six-pack he started on the way to Kinko’s.
Since my package was not scanned in San Jose, we can safely say that the Official Status of the package is: a man picked it up and then it disappeared. Some jurisdictions playfully refer to that as “theft.” Unfortunately, FedEx says they’re having trouble finding the package because they don’t have a good lead. What? Isn’t this what cops call a slam dunk?
COP: All we have is some video of a man taking your stuff, putting it in his truck and driving off. Also, he called us at 6PM to tell us he was taking your stuff. And we know his name, and he works for us. Hey, there he is now. Hey, Bob! Anyway, we just have nothing to go on.
I received a professional analysis from Ramon that my package was “probably lost”, while Andrea proffered a different theory:
ANDREA: I’m looking at the history here. It says you’ve called every day for the past week, but it looks like everyone keeps transferring you to someone else. Seems like nobody wants to handle it themselves.
ME: Yes. I came to that conclusion while waiting for Luis to transfer me to you.
ANDREA: Anyway, maybe the package is still at the Kinko’s where you dropped it off. Try going there.
She then graciously disconnected me, undoubtedly so I could begin the process of tracking down the package for myself without delay. I called Kinko’s and spoke to the same clerk who helped me last Monday. She was just finishing that shift.
ME: Hey, I’m wondering if I left a 28 pound box on your counter a week and a half ago. It’s about 9 square feet.
CLERK: Oh, yes! We’ve been unable to see anyone from the counter for awhile and couldn’t figure out what happened. I see now that there’s an enormous box on it. We had to keep punching our arms through it to give change.
ME: Great! So it’s still in molecular form.
Actually, as you may have guessed, that conversation did not take place. What the clerk really said was:
CLERK: Um, no, sir. I’m tapping F3 on the screen here. That loads your account data in this new lookup system we have. They just introduced it last month. It used to be that you hit F2, but not anymore. F3 now. According to your account information, FedEx picked up that package at 6PM. That’s the status of the package. Did you get that, sir? The package status?
Needless to say, I’ll be sending my next package via Big Yellow. But I’ll ship that kidney stone when I get to it.
July 11th, 2007 at 9:04 pm
On the positive side, you gave me a good laugh on a boring afternoon.
July 11th, 2007 at 10:36 pm
I wouldn’t suggest Big Yellow either. They managed to lose my PowerBook G4 (which unfortunately hadn’t been properly backed up in 9 months) in an incredibly similar way as FedEx lost your package, except the wondrous DHL people managed to get it as far as my local DHL warehouse before it was scanned one last time and then lost forever. In addition, after a few days of the tracking status not changing they did actually tell me it was almost definitely stolen, instead of just dancing around it…only they didn’t care in the slightest, saying it happens all the time and that it’s no big deal…they said something about an investigation but it sounded like a total joke.
July 11th, 2007 at 11:44 pm
That’s an awful lot of problems there. It’s not that good when customers service haven’t got anything more to go on than we do ourselves on the internet - at least they should be able to investigate…
I had a similar adventure with Schenker who delivered me my new Dell-computer here in Sweden. On the internet I got the info that they for 5 hours had been ‘INFORMING RECEIVER ABOUT DELIVERY’ - well I read that info and now I was informed. I called Schenker to get more detailed info - but they couldn’t help me with that. Instead they could tell me that Dell has failed to give them my cellphone number and that that was why they couldn’t had reach me. If I remember correctly they had tried once in the middle of the day when I was in school…
I had to wait for the next day or so before the right person could call me and inform me so that my computer could get delivered - something they easily could’ve informed me about on the internet…
There are room for lots of improvements in this business it appears!
July 12th, 2007 at 1:06 am
I don’t think DHL is going to be much better, my old company use to use them for shipping overnight/second day credit cards and a good portion of them seem to end up in the credit card Bermuda Triangle. We call DHL and they would be clue less as to where the credit card went. However the nice thing with a credit card is once somebody does start using it we know where it is right away.
July 12th, 2007 at 5:54 am
Painful… and a painfully funny description. Did they ever refund your shipping cost? Or pay for the goods lost?
July 12th, 2007 at 6:20 am
Oh man, that is hilarious!!
July 12th, 2007 at 6:59 am
Wow, that sucks, but I’m glad I’m not the only one in customer service hell right now (with Comcast)!
Of course though, maybe the FedEx guy just misplaced it somewhere in the back of his truck. There are plenty of places for a 28lbs box to hide I’m sure! haha!
July 12th, 2007 at 7:11 am
I agree that UPS sucks, but I’ve been pretty happy with FedEx when I’ve used them. I’ve also used DHL and I’ve been happy with their speed and customer service.
July 12th, 2007 at 8:31 am
Thanks for the laugh, I needed it!
July 12th, 2007 at 11:32 am
DHL does a decent job, actually - at least in my experience. I also lost a shipment (that was coming to me and was supposedly left on my front porch without a signture) from FedEx. The bastards.
USPS actualy seems to do fairly well. I have had a significant number of packages shiped via that method and all have been timely, not destroyed, and not lost. Which shocks me.
Glad to see you’re back to writing. :)
July 12th, 2007 at 12:47 pm
I had a similar nightmarish experience with UPS, don’t EVEN ask me about it; it’s THAT bad. :( I think customer service is now a thing of the past, to be honest. It’s a real shame, because there is no empire that lasts forever. Another service will pop up, swallowing up their customer base and customers will happy for a time, until the new guy makes the same mistake and forgets who was dropping cash into their pockets.
I just wish I had a stopwatch that could help me time the whole process.
July 12th, 2007 at 1:35 pm
With my experience in the shipping world, DHL is the way to go. All carriers will have problems sometimes, but DHL does a great job at making it right.
July 14th, 2007 at 7:49 am
I had this happen before with UPS. I built computers back in high school and had the parts shipped to my house. One day and order “came” as the UPS tracking website said, but there were no packages to be found. It was a two-month process to get a full refund and a huge pain for me and my clients. Some of those delivery guys are just plain dishonest. It sucks.
July 18th, 2007 at 4:21 pm
This was a great laugh.
July 21st, 2007 at 12:04 am
Heh, tapping F3. Reminds me of package tracking and the lack of an F5 key..
July 24th, 2007 at 3:08 pm
I tried them all for my business. I have shipped to many destinations without any problems with USPS PRIORITY Insured with Signature Confirmation for the US & many options overseas. They are also less expensive.
August 12th, 2007 at 2:37 am
Scary story and more or less the opposite of what I go through when shipping.
Whenever I receive packages via FedEx, I get screwed over, at least, that is the feeling I have. Either the guy supposedly shows up with a delivery and never does or I get charged taxes that should not even exist or the package just takes ages to reach its destination (they always got there, though). With FedEx, they just send out the most cranky guys (and gals) I’ve ever met.
With UPS on the other hand, I never have problems. Shipped or received, packages go where they should be and are, mostly on time. My delivery guy is actually a pretty nice guy, always up for a (very) short chat and never unfriendly.
DHL is kind of like a remix of the two, it really depends on the position of the stars that determine the kind of service you will get. I’ve had bad experiences with huge delays and I have had good experiences with them. Either way, DHL does a lot more right in my book than FedEx does.
August 19th, 2007 at 6:10 pm
I ordered a couple of packages from two companies that were to be delivered on the same day. I do not live in a residential area; I’m actually quite remote. Kinda hard to mix my house up with a neighbor’s- I don’t have any. Upon tracking the package days after it was to arrive, I see it was signed for by some woman. I saw the signature on the link they sent me. It wasn’t mine. It was some woman. There is nobody in my whole county by that name. Normally they leave the packages at the front door. I would think that if no one was here to sign for them, they would leave a notice on the door. Nothing. I talked to a former employee of theirs who say the driver probably took them, and made up a name. I’ve done and received shipping for years and have never had a problem. Are there no checks and balances in place?
September 7th, 2007 at 7:48 am
Well I was looking for some advice on how i could find my macbook that was mysteriously dropped off by by FedEx at the wrong address. Glad to see theres hope…
November 1st, 2007 at 9:31 am
So I took the day off to wait for my packages to come, and i don’t like making accusations, the lazy ass fedex driver never even came down my street, but claims that i wasn’t home to sign for my package.
When I called up fedex, and told them i frequently use their company and give them a whole lot of business and wanted both my money and my package by tomorrow, if the deleivery wasnt made today,(i may have threatened to call the federal bureau of business and some othe comments about using other more reliable comapnies as this is not the first time that they have blatently lied about a delivery) they promptly replied, Im so sorry about that, we are going to message the driver and tell him that you need your package today.
So im still waiting, no tag on door, no package, no money back…I may have to call them everyday for a while before i get my stuff back.
February 14th, 2008 at 6:12 am
That was hilarious…
I am having problems with UPS at the moment- who are bloody awful. Delays on a regular basis, losses on others ; they’re a joke. We’ve been using FedEx for almost 2 years and seldom have problems with them- and they are only delays; they’ve not lost any parcels for us. We’ve been using UPS for 6 months and in that time, over 20 delays, 4 missing parcels, incorrect billing, poor customer service etc. etc. We only stick with them b/c they’re cheaper than the others :’(
March 17th, 2008 at 10:05 am
Hey, you write pretty polite and have a good sense of laugh for ppl!
Anywa, if its still lost in the states, there’s still hope. But when you mail it internationally to some places outside of the states and it doesn’t arrive, you’re 99.9999% out of luck.
From my experience, suppose you ship a package to India using USPS with the damm correct address, the customs in India stops it for you and never informs anyone until somebody in India calls into the customs and tries very hard to figure out whats happenned to it. India is a changing country by still very bureaucratic so they will want you to give them money without a receipt.
Japan, on the other side, they’ve fedex(using Japanese carrier of some other name), DHL(same name), USPS(using Jap Postal Service), but they’ve never let me down yet. The stories that I hear are, if you ship something domestically inside Japan and even if you get it and you drop the box to see your poor notebook PC in bad condition, the carrier will pay 100% of the cost of the notebook to you. That’s the kind of service what carriers all over the world are supposed to offer.
BTW, for our loving USPS, even if your local USPS personnels are very lovely and friendly, the final destination’s USPS personnels might be an a-hole and a pain-in-your-ass. i.e. they don’t redeliver your “Certified Mail + Return Receipt” letters, etc, until you call them and ask them to, and best of all, if you want the letter back, you’ll have to wait 15days(workdays?)or so, or you’ll have to pay them extra to get it back.
So, every carrier has problems, as we all know, and carrier personnels does not dedicate their life to the work.
Well, I’m about to ship something. Hope it arrives safe and sound and in molecular shape and size.