A decade ago today, a struggling artist put pen to paper and carved out those immortal words: “All I want to do,” she wrote, “is have a little fun before I die.” Ten minutes later, Sheryl Crow was eaten by wolves. The autopsy revealed that she had not, in fact, had a little fun before she died. Ever since then, people have recognized the importance of crafting and sticking to New Years resolutions.
As someone who has already resolved his life and is merely shooting for status quo, I thought I’d share some tips and tricks I’ve learned over the years to avoid being Crowed.
The first thing you’ll want to do is come up with the list of things that you want to change about yourself. After a whole year of worrying about Darfur refugees and AIDS victims, this is finally your chance to think about you. Who are you? And more importantly: what the hell is wrong with you?
To answer this question, you need only walk outside your door and look around. Mother Earth has rolled out the dessert cart and you are its fruit-and-cheese platter. The window cleaner is taller. The crossing guard’s vest masks a bulging six-pack. And look at that man in the coffee shop with the chiseled jaw and the radiant charisma. Hi there! I’m looking right back atcha.
Are these people just inherently superior to you? Well, in some cases. The window cleaner didn’t get that tall by resolving for it, dumbass. But that doesn’t mean you can’t Windex up your inferior genes to boost their resale value. It’s probably too late to be a better father to your kids, but steroids never expire.
How and when you write your resolutions has a great deal to do with whether or not you will keep them. Writing your list on a Chili’s bib or an etch-a-sketch betrays a lack of confidence. I like to engrave my commitments onto something more permanent and valuable, such as my childhood blanket or my cousin.
Before you get too far into your list, however, you should stop and verify that this year’s New Years falls cleanly on the boundaries of space and time. Would you ever start a diet on a Wednesday? Of course not. It’s far more logical to begin on a Monday. So make sure that it’s a nice round year, like 5000, because it’s pretty inane to make wholesale changes right in the middle of a millennium.
Once you finish your list, take a look at it. Scary, isn’t it? It’s not even New Years and already your goals seem to be running away from you. That’s because you wrote them on your cousin. Haul him back here and pull out the red pen. It’s editing time.
Did Sheryl Crow wanna have a lot of fun? Did she want a veritable shit-ton of fun delivered to her doorstep? No. She just wanted “a little fun.” And although she failed even at that, you can still heed her lesson in modesty. Look through your list and soften or remove any adjectives or qualifiers that might discourage your success. For instance, “Eat Healthy” becomes “Eat Healthier” or simply, “Eat.”
If settling for less embarrasses you, consider that some of the most successful people in history compromised on their goals. When President John F. Kennedy faced the Cuban Missile Crisis, he first vowed to a trembling populace: No harm shall befall this great nation. But when historians later unearthed his diary and broke the My Little Pony seal, they found: Well, maybe just Arkansas. Today, political scientists and 49 states celebrate Kennedy’s bold compromise.
Relinquishing your bad habits is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. Sheryl’s poignant ballad, “The First Cut is the Deepest,” chronicles her childhood struggle to give up creme brulée.
Empirical evidence suggests that the best way to kick a habit is to get it out of your system. For example, nearly 100% of people who successfully quit smoking had smoked before quitting.
So in order to purge your bad habits, you must set aside a few days before New Years and overdose on all of them in parallel. Go ahead. Smoke some alcohol. Nosh on buffalo wings as you rack up catastrophic debt. If all goes well, January 1 should find you face down in an alleyway awash in chicken puke and flanked by creditors. You are now ready to confront the year head on. As soon as you are able to stand upright.
