Every Sunday morning at the crack of dawn, 11AM, the church across the street from my apartment rings a bell. And then it rings a bell. And then it rings a bell. And then…

And every Sunday morning, I have the same spiritual reaction: “GOD!!!!”

And then, if I’m feeling groggy: “ANSWER THE FREAKING TELEPHONE.”

Or hungry: “ooh, ice cream truck?”

Or Monty: “Bring out your dead!” from my balcony until it gets old. (Hasn’t happened yet.)

Ringing a bell to call people to worship doesn’t scale. Eventually the other religions are going to arrive at this tactic and start ringing their own bells. Since the human race is always praying to someone or something at any given time, now you have a permanent bell situation. Now houses of worship need to start distinguishing themselves. They’ll try going louder for awhile, but when that doesn’t work, they’ll change their tune.

No, really—they’ll change their tune. Each religion will have its melody, its own ringtone if you will. Christianity will have sort of a melancholy ballad, Judaism will have Hava Nagila, and Scientology will have trance Hava Nagila. Atheists will be on vibrate.

BUSINESSMAN: “Well, it looks like we have a deal, Mr Johns–wait, was that b-flat, G7, d-sharp? Shit, that’s MY god!” (takes off running)

CHURCH: Actually, sir, it was d-FLAT. But as long as you’re here, would you care to start believing in Shinto?

The very concept of announcing your event with bells is awfully arrogant. The blue angels don’t fly overhead every time we have a Facebook meeting. You don’t see coke dealers firing rockets into the air whenever they make a drop.

Alas, the Christians will keep ringing their bells and the Jews will keep blowing their shofars, the Muslims will keep singing their prayers and the Rastafarians will keep making their Rastafarian noises, until we all grow deaf and seek solace in monkhood.

Buddha always wins.