In a few minutes, I’ll be getting a gingivectomy. That’s right: my gingis are being removed.
Gingivectomies are performed if you have too much gum tissue, which apparently is bad because it’s harder to floss out food. At the risk of turning you on, my dentist says my gums have actually started growing over one of my back molars. This terrifies me. What are they planning that they need to eat my teeth for fuel? And do they brush themselves after they eat? Chew on it.
Apparently 99.9% of the people that see their dentist about their gums actually have too little gum tissue and need more to be surgically installed. Where do these new gums come from? From altruistic, charitable sellers like me.
In case that wasn’t clear, my mouth is in the top one tenth of one percent of mouths worldwide. And I’m pretty sure I can push that number higher:
- I had five wisdom teeth, which is 25% more than average.
- I have an extra molar, which is 14% more than average and allows me to eat foods most people have trouble chewing, such as pterodactyls.
In short, take your mouth and double it and you have my mouth. As proud as this makes me, I can’t help but wonder how I might have turned out had all these extra resources gone elsewhere. Would I be 9 feet tall? Would I finally have the ear-lids I so crave when being talked to by certain individuals? Would I have an extra nose so I could still smell the pie during the fire? Would that even help, or would I just asphyxiate twice as fast?
These are things I will never know. But I do know that, like the day I got my wisdom teeth removed, this is a truly upsetting, if profitable (the Firefox gums? Hello, ebay), milestone in my life. And yet it’s one that our society deems ‘necessary’. It’s a tale as old as time: people always want to humanize their superheroes by castrating their powers.
So when you see me this afternoon, know that I am one step closer to you unwashed, ungummed masses. But before you open your mouth to make that crack, remember that I still have that extra molar. And my dentist says this is one operation I’m allowed to eat after.
December 28th, 2007 at 7:19 am
ear-lids…I want ‘em! Hilarious. Thanks for all the posts late Dec. posts; very entertaining.
Cheers,
ewH
December 28th, 2007 at 4:18 pm
Ouch. My dad had receding gums and had to have them re-sectioned, twice! I don’t think he got gum tissue from an overproducer like yourself, the dentist just used medieval torture instruments. Extremely miserable and constant grinding pain, so kids, BRUSH AND FLOSS EVERY DAY.
I have big teeth in a small jaw, which necessitated extraction of wisdom teeth and molars (though I think two wisdom teeth only came out because my dentist had to make his car payment). You and I show the absence of so-called Intelligent Design in this area: the development of your teeth, gums, and jaw is mostly uncoordinated and they all fight it out in your mouth to the embarrassment of British royalty and financial benefit of orthodontists. 32 slots for 32 teeth, is that so hard?
December 29th, 2007 at 9:35 pm
You might consider making a New Year’s resolution to stop chewing gum :)