airport security through the eyes of the faithful

  1. 1.I arrive at the airport and check my bags. The attendant asks whether I am carrying explosives. She must be an undercover CIA agent trained in criminal psychology with a minor in Pretty Please, Be Honest. Since my behavior is atypical of most explosive-wielding passengers, who stammer, blush and look down at their feet like they just got nominated for terrorist prom king, the agent accepts my bags.
  2. 2.A lady on the intercom tells me to report any unattended bags. Although I ignore the warning, others will heed it to ensure my safety.
  3. 3.The lady at the entrance to the security line asks to see my electronic ticket ("e-ticket"), which is printed on home computer paper. To ensure that I didn't make my ticket in Microsoft Paint, the lady scans it with the barcode reader in her eye.
  4. 4.A man at the other end of the line asks to see my ID. A special chip embedded in his thumb verifies the authenticity of the ID as he slides his thumb over it, enabling him to confirm its legitimacy 19 times faster than the average club bouncer.

    Next, the facial recognition in his left eye will verify that I am, indeed, the same guy holding the "END VIETNAM!" sign in my ID. The software compares the ID against a photograph the man secretly took of my face when I first approached him. Thus, although he appears to notice me for the first time while handing back the card, that is just an illusion.

    Now that both the ID and the ticket are confirmed legitimate, verifying my identity is as easy as comparing the names.
  5. 5.Nearby TV monitors scroll through a list of items that may and may not be brought onto a plane. For example, tweezers are okay. A red box of TNT with a push lever and "TNT" down the side, however, is not. I verify that my carry-on contains no TNT, and that I am not a cartoon.
  6. 6.I've made it to the metal detectors. The security official is recommending, but not requiring, that I take off my shoes. However, she says it in such a stern voice that, if any Richard Reids were to come by, they would surely break down and confess at the sound of it.
  7. 7.An announcement on the intercom reminds me that it is illegal to discuss bombs in the viscinity of an airplane, per a 2001 FAA finding that "Concepts and Ideas May Break My Bones, But Shoe Bombs Can Never Hurt Me."
  8. 8.The security official asks that I turn on my laptop. I press the On button and a green light appears. Therefore, it is a laptop.
  9. 9.My baggage is sliding through the X-Ray. The official in charge of monitoring the machine has turned around to ask his coworker whether Gabi and the gardener get it on in this week's Desperate Housewives. However, the long-range camera in the corner of the room is pointed directly at the screen, and is being monitored by a separate team of highly trained officials. Thus, no bags are overlooked.
  10. 10.My flight is now boarding. The electronic ticket scanner is broken, so the attendant rips my ticket. However, she rips it with such force that if anyone else in line is holding an exact replica of my ticket, theirs will instantly be ripped as well, preventing them from boarding after me. And since the original lady already scanned the barcode with her eye, I can continue happily onto my flight.

    (*Yes, I've actually boarded two planes when the scanner was broken. The tickets were ripped like I was boarding Space Mountain.)

  11. 11.The flight attendant instructs my fellow passengers to disable their laptops' 802.11 wireless networking features because it "could interfere with the plane's communications." My seatmate will stop hunting for the Caps Lock key momentarily so he can disengage his 802.11 wireless network signal in compliance with the announcement. Once a transmitter in the attendant's beverage cart verifies that all wireless networks are off, the flight takes off. I fall gently asleep to the soothing voice of the attendant as he outlines security regulations. Surely everyone else is listening.