You may have seen the news that Facebook has acquired my fledgling startup, Parakey. The project remains very much alive, and since we will be working to port the concepts and technology to Facebook, it will remain stealthy.

When making the important decision about whether to join Facebook, Joe and I weighed the key socioeconomic aspects of the company that the media has been investigating, such as: What sort of footwear does Mark prefer? When we got the answers we hoped for (”sandals,” respectively), we knew we’d found our place.

As you may know, there has been a lot of buzz about Facebook lately based on thoroughly researched journalism. I expect this news will only fuel the flames, given that, as you’ve probably already deduced, “Joe Hewitt Parakey” is an anagram of “Etjk! Where ya at, IPO?” Also, I studied U.S. History in high school, and one of the units we did was on Puritanical punishment, and one popular means of such punishment was locking people up, and those locking apparatuses were known as: stocks. COINCIDENCE???

Today was my first day at Facebook and so far it’s a blast. I have plenty of weekend reading ahead to learn all about the site architecture. From what I’ve seen so far, it is truly amazing. For instance, all the data is stored in a sqlite database that runs on Mark’s iPhone.

I’ll write more about all this soon. Many thanks to Parakey’s investors (Sequoia, MSD Capital, YCombinator, OATV, Thomvest, Paul Buchheit, Ron Conway and Warren Zide). And thanks everyone for the well wishes.

Is anyone else tired of reading the same old ridiculous acquisition FAQs?

Why did you decide to sell to Yahoo?

Two words: Ka-CHING! That’s the sound Fred and I make whenever we think of you, our loyal user. In fact, we didn’t even want to sell, but we didn’t think that would be fair. To you.

Yahoo is a perfect fit for us in a number of generic ways. They have tons of resources and we only have, like, six. We both have a vision. And something about their culture.

Fred and I are so excited about the new opportunities that we’ve decided to remain at Yahoo to pursue them through July 11, 2010 at 11:59PM PDT, during which time we’ve elected to demonstrate a good faith effort to be of service to Acquirer in the Transition Period.

Will I be affected by this?

Absolutely not.

Why can’t I log in?

Your account may be unavailable for six months while we complete the acquisition. Please be assured that although you cannot access it during this period, your money is accruing interest.

How do I transition to Yahoo?

To determine your Yahoo! ID, replace the last eight characters of your old username with 914362. For instance, BobSmith@email.com becomes 914362@yahoo.com. This change has already taken effect, so please notify your friends once your account is back up!

If you can’t remember 914362, try a mnemonic: I will be making 91 million dollars “for” (4) the next three years (36 months), and Fred will, “too” (2).

How do I get help with the changes?

Many of you know our current Customer Service department, Cynthia, and her scrumptious blueberry muffins. Unfortunately, she did not fit into Yahoo’s New Delhi-based vision. Of course, you can still receive support by calling 1-800-GO-YAHOO. Press 4, say “waffle” and type a pentagram on the number pad. In negotiating this acquisition, Yahoo executives assured us that your call was important to them.

I am not one to make unfounded accusations, but I’m pretty sure my FedEx delivery guy is a criminal.

A couple weeks ago, I sent a package via UPS to my girlfriend in Atlanta. I shipped it on Friday via their Guaranteed Supersonic Overnight Guaranteed Saturday Delivery Express–Guaranteed! and waved goodbye to my package as it was loaded onto the brown UPS truck that is the bowel movement of our time, preparing to move slowly and painfully through the ass crack of the U.S. It arrived on Thursday. I shipped it to 555 NW 8th Street. It arrived at 602 W Peachtree. Not exactly where I dropped the turd, but possibly in the splash zone.

So as you can imagine, I wasn’t feeling very good about UPS when it came time to ship another package last Monday. I turned my attention to the rest of the exciting and wide-open field of national shipping, which, as far as I can tell, consists entirely of: FedEx and DHL (about which the sum total of my knowledge is: it’s the yellow one). There’s also the U.S. Postal Service, but I did not think my package would survive the trip through Iraq.

My experience with UPS turned me off to shipping services colored after human excrement, so I was left with FedEx. And I felt good about it. Forget UPS and its mega-conglomerate bureaucracy dating all the way back to 1907. FedEx was younger, spryer; it wasn’t even founded until 1913! I promptly dropped my package off at a nearby Kinko’s for shipment via FedEx Ground, which, according to the 24-hour clerk, guarantees a delivery, barring acts of God, of “sometime soon…maybe August?”

Thanks to the wonders of the Internet, I could immediately begin tracking the status of my package. 3:49 AM: Package data received. Six o’clock–BAM! Picked up from the store. Estimated arrival: July 6th. Here we go!

That’s it. There is no further status.

What happened to the package after that depends on who answers the phone when I call 1-800-GO-FEDEX, a cutesy, fun number that does not at all make me want to bash my head in every time I have to dial it. I quickly discovered the downside to the amazing power of the Internet: I have exactly the same information as customer service. You hope, when you call, that they have access to the magic Database of Redemption that holds the keys to your shipping dreams, but they do not. And what’s worse, they don’t seem to realize it.

ME: Yes, I’m calling to figure out what happened to a package I sent, and to see if it might still exist in a molecular form.

SUPPORT: No problem, sir! Let me just type in your account. Now I’ll hit Enter. While I’m waiting for that to load, I’m going to pick at a bunion I have. OK, your account screen appeared. Alright, it looks like we received the package information at 3:49AM and picked up the package at 6PM. Also, your name is Blake. Anything else I can help you with today?

Look, I’m a realist. I know that millions of FedEx customers, maybe hundreds of millions, lose their packages every day. But those are always lost in Kansas somewhere after a few uplifting days where you actually believe your package is making the wonderful journey to its destination, or in the case of UPS, a nearby Peachtree Street. I didn’t even get to pretend that my package was going to make it. What I’m left to ponder, as I sit here enroute to the Department of Departments (GO-FEDEX!) listening to Customer Support Representative Tanya blowdry her hair while I wait, is whether I just might be the first shipper ever to have his package lost immediately after it was picked up. I cannot see how anyone could lose theirs faster, unless FedEx snuck into their house and stole it first, and I don’t know who would do that. FedEx Home Burglary costs a fortune.

Tanya explained to me the complicated FedEx Pickup Procedure: the delivery man picks up the package from Kinko’s. He brings it to the San Jose terminal, where it is scanned immediately. And then he goes home to finish the six-pack he started on the way to Kinko’s.

Since my package was not scanned in San Jose, we can safely say that the Official Status of the package is: a man picked it up and then it disappeared. Some jurisdictions playfully refer to that as “theft.” Unfortunately, FedEx says they’re having trouble finding the package because they don’t have a good lead. What? Isn’t this what cops call a slam dunk?

COP: All we have is some video of a man taking your stuff, putting it in his truck and driving off. Also, he called us at 6PM to tell us he was taking your stuff. And we know his name, and he works for us. Hey, there he is now. Hey, Bob! Anyway, we just have nothing to go on.

I received a professional analysis from Ramon that my package was “probably lost”, while Andrea proffered a different theory:

ANDREA: I’m looking at the history here. It says you’ve called every day for the past week, but it looks like everyone keeps transferring you to someone else. Seems like nobody wants to handle it themselves.

ME: Yes. I came to that conclusion while waiting for Luis to transfer me to you.

ANDREA: Anyway, maybe the package is still at the Kinko’s where you dropped it off. Try going there.

She then graciously disconnected me, undoubtedly so I could begin the process of tracking down the package for myself without delay. I called Kinko’s and spoke to the same clerk who helped me last Monday. She was just finishing that shift.

ME: Hey, I’m wondering if I left a 28 pound box on your counter a week and a half ago. It’s about 9 square feet.

CLERK: Oh, yes! We’ve been unable to see anyone from the counter for awhile and couldn’t figure out what happened. I see now that there’s an enormous box on it. We had to keep punching our arms through it to give change.

ME: Great! So it’s still in molecular form.

Actually, as you may have guessed, that conversation did not take place. What the clerk really said was:

CLERK: Um, no, sir. I’m tapping F3 on the screen here. That loads your account data in this new lookup system we have. They just introduced it last month. It used to be that you hit F2, but not anymore. F3 now. According to your account information, FedEx picked up that package at 6PM. That’s the status of the package. Did you get that, sir? The package status?

Needless to say, I’ll be sending my next package via Big Yellow. But I’ll ship that kidney stone when I get to it.